Hope
by storyteller angel
Summary: A story I had up last year plz R&R
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

 **Disclaimer** I don't own anything, wish I did then Addek would be very much alive!

Chapter One

Addison Shepherd sat in the remorial garden of Seatlle Grace Mercy West Hospital watching the world pass her by.

 **"How did my life get to this point.".** She thought to herself, as a tear rolled down her cheek.

It had been two years since she came out to Seattle and at first there had been the rows, the tears and the arguments but they had managed to save their marriage and if she was honest with herself they were in a better place then they had never been.

But there was one thing that was tarring them apart- the fact that she was barren.

She knew that he would never admit it to her face, but it devestated him the fact that she coulsn't give him the one thing that they wanted most in the world- a child. And that truly broke her heart as she sat there and thought about the past year.

It was something that they wanted for so long but their careers got in the way and at that point in her life she wan't ready for a child and now can't have any. That was her biggest regret.

She had left it too late and when she felt thst she was ready, they had gone to their doctors office. She remembers that day as if it was yesterday, a day she will never forget and the look on her husband's face.

 **Flashback**

"Mr and Mrs Shepherd, it's good to see you both again." Doctor Simmons greeted them.

"And you to Dr Simmons." Addison replied for the both of them.

The doctor lead them to her office.

"So Addison and Derek, What can I do for you?" Doctor Simmons asked with a warm smile.

"Well, we want you help in trying to get pregnant." Addison told her.

The doctor looked at the couple in surprise.

"Ok, but I'm sorry I fail to see the problem, I thought if any of my patients could consieve it was the two of you." She responed to the couple in front of her.

"So did we, but we've been trying for a year and well with little success." Derek explained to her.

"Ah I see well first I'll start by taking blood from the both of you and we'll go from there." She told them..

Once she had a nurse take the blood and asked Addison to change into a gown and examined her.

20 minutes later.

"Well I have to say everything is looking great Addison, but we'll know more when we get the blood tests back." She told them as Addison had goton and she took a seat back behind her desk.

"Well thank you doctor Simons." The couple thanked her and left the office.

1 Week Later.

Addison and Derek had come back to the doctors office after receiving a phone call telling them she had gotton the blood test results back from the lab.

"Addison and Derek Shepherd, here to see Dr Simmons." Addison told the reciptioniest.

"I'll let her know that you have arrived, if you like to take a seat for a moment." The reciptionist replied warmly with a smile.

"Addison Shepherd?" The nurse called out.

Addion and Derek made there way to their doctors office.

"Addison, Derek good to see you again." She greeted them.

The couple sat down while Dr Simmons rounded her desk and sat in her high backed chair that in front of it.

"Well I got both your blood tests back and I'm afraid it's not great news." She told the couple.

"Why? What's wrong?" Derek asked her.

"Your fine, Mr Shepherd." She replied.

"So it's me." Addison whispered softly.

"I'm afraid so Mrs Shepherd. Your blood reveal that you have an exstreamly low level of HGC in your system so that basically although you still ovilate every month, the eggs that your body preduces are not healthly enough to fertilize. I'm sorry it wasn't better news". Doctor Symons explained to the couple that sat in front as she slowly watched the heartache and disappointment wash over their faces and she did truly feel sorry for them, as she front knew that nobody would make better parents then the couple sitting in front of her.

"What are are options?" Derek asked after a few mintues.

"Your best option at the moment would be IVF." She replied.

"The percent rate?" He asked her.

"It would increase your chances by I would estimate another 30%." she told him.

"There's no point." Addison finally spoke for the first time.

"Addie, honey we hav..." She cut him off.

"And if we do through with this and it doesn't work, what then?" She asked her husband.

"We try again." He told her firmly.

"And how many tries will it take before enough is enough? I don't this to break us D I don't, but what is the alternative?" she asked him.

Derek just looked at his wife as she sat truly broken in the doctors office and he knew he didn't have an answer for her.

 **End of flashback**

6 months later and two failed IVF attempts later the couple still no closer to their dream.

Addison didn't actually realized how long she had sitting there for and knew she must back inside before they sent out a search party looking for her.

She entered the hospital and headed to the nurses station and picked up a chart that she had to fill out for her patient.

"Doctor Shepherd, there a truama on the way in, all attending are required." A nurse told her.

"Then why wasn't I paged?" She asked the nurse behind the desk.

"We tried." The nurse replied.

True on her word when Addison looked down at her pager there was four pages. Pushing her thoughts aside Addison made her way to the truama unit.

"Beth Green 34 years old restained passenger in a road accident." The paramedic started to ramble off the details.

So after husband and two kids were brought in as well. The chief began to delicate.

"Bailey you and you interns take the kids."' He told her.

"Robbins, Callie and Mark take the father." He ordered.

"Shepherds, you take the mother." He told his secretly favorite doctors, not that he was going to tell anybody else that of course.

The interns, residents and attending all jumped inot action as the chief barked the orders as instructed.

"Beth, I'm Addison Shepherd and this is Derek Shepherd our neauro attending here at Seattlle Grace. We are going to take a look at you, ok?" Addison told her.

"NO DON'T TOUCH ME!". Beth screamed at them.

"I really don't need this today." Addison thougfht to herself.

Once they had undone the belts that was succouring Beth to the trolly, she started to thrash around, making it difficult for them to treat her., eventually them managed to examine her and found all she had a superficical cut to her forhead.

"That was something." Derek told his wife, as they began to leave the unit.

"Yeah I know oh hang on I forgot my rings I'll be back in a minute." She told gim, giving a quick kiss and turning on her heels.

Addison made her way over to the side that she had left her rings on.

"Why did the two you touch me?" A voice startled her.

"Oh Mrs Green , you scarred me." Addison told her, as she put a hand over her chest to calm her breathing.

"I didn't want to be touched." Beth told her..

"Mrs Green, we had to touch you in order to treat you." Addison explained to her.

Meanwhile up in the chief's office a nurse knocked on the door, to which Richard granted entrence.

"Chief, the woman that was brought in a little ago, well you see thing is I thought I recongnized her soi ran her name through the system and I got a hit." The nurse explained to him.

"And?" The chief asked in reture.

"She was a patient in pysic." She replied.

"What was she treated for." He asked.

"Split personality. Chief." The nurse told him.

Meanwhile, back in the truama unit all of a sudden Beth leaped off the gurney and struggling with Addison so hard the doctor lost her balance and went crashing onto the ground, unaware she'd been stabbed.

As Addison hit the floor as she knew she was in trouble, she heard and felt at least one rib break and the pain in her leg, back and the pain was almost unbearable causing her to scream out in pain.

As the entire truama unit heard the loud crash and the blood chilling scream. Callie was the first one to react and ran over to her friend.

Addie? Addison talk to me, come on sweetie say something." Callie asked of her friend but didn't get a response.

Callie looked down at her friend and realized she was unconscious.

"Get me and gurney and someone go get Dr Shepherd now!" She yelled at no one in particular.

"Addie, have you and Callie got talking agai...". He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight that greeted him.

"No." It was barely above a whisper but the entire truama turned and looked at him.

A/N there you have it please R&R

SA xx


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

Disclaimer- See chapter one.

Everyone that was stood in the truama unit stood and at the renouned neauro surgeon as if he was made of glass, that if they starred hard enough that they could catch a glimps of his inner thoughts.

Ever so slowly he made his way over the woman who had stolen his heart 20 years ago and gently stoked her cheek.

"What the hell happened, Torres?" Derek asked.

"I don't know one minute they were talking and the nest minute Beth stabbed her." Calorie explained to him.

"Ok well she obviously she has a head injury and were to hell is all this blood coming from?" He asked.

At that moment the gerney came and the two attending slowly and gently put Addison onto it and transferred onto the treatment bed and began to work on her.

"I want a full blood work up and a CT and tell them I said I don't care how backed up they are this is a top priority case." Derek told the nurse that stood beside him.

"We need to stabilize her neck and spine." Callie told one of the nurse and together they sucured her.

"Dr Shepherd, CT said they cant' take her, I tried to tell them who it was but they aren't listening to me. They said they don't care who it is that just because the person is a doctor doesn't mean that they can skip the cue." The nurse told him.

Of all the things that you didn't want to tell Derek Shepherd at that moment that certainly wasn't one of them.

"Callie, I'll be back in a minute." He told her throught gritted teeth.

Walking to the nurses station Derek Shepherd grabbed the phone from the top of the desk with avengions.

"This is doctor Derek Shepherd, can you tell me why you won't take the patient I currently have lying in the truama unit?" He half asked half yelled.

"Look doc I understand your fruststrations but the patient just can't jump the cue cause you want them to." The guy on the other line told him, but boy was that the wrong thing to say.

"It's not just another god damn patient, it's for Doctor Montgomaary-Shepherd and last time I checked she saved your ass more times than I can count." Derek yelled at him.

"Doctor Montgomaary- Shepherd? Why didnt the nurse say? Sure send her up anything for the doc." The guy told him.

Derek bothered to reply before slamming the reciever down and went back into the truama unit.

"How are we doing?". Derek asked the team, as one of them went to reply as Addison's heart monitor went hey wire.

"Get me the paddles now!" Callie yelled at a poor nurse.

The nurse immediately did what she was told and ran for the paddles and gave them to Derek as he was the closes person to her.

Once he had put the rubber pads on her chest, he charged to the paddles to 200 and got ready to shock his wife's heart back into rythem.

"Start compressions" Derek instructed a nurse.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"Shocking 200, clean!" He yelled.

The team moved back from the gourney and took the oxygan mask off as they went.

Nothing.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"Shocking again 200!" Derek yelled again.

Again Nothing.

"Shocking 300!, come on Addison!" He whispered to her, as he shocked her for a third time.

Nothing.

"Come on addison! Don't do this to me. Another fourty years remember? Remember you promised me that? Come on come through for me, you can't leave me yet not like this." He whispered to her.

The team stood for thirty seconds and then they heard the sound that was music to their ears.

Beep... beep... beep... beep...

"Thank god for that, right lets get her up to CT and we'll go from there." Callie told the rest of the medical personal that was in the room.

As they were wheeling Addison out of the truama unit the Chief came through the door.

"What the hell happened in here? And will someone please explained to me why one of my best surgeons is on a gurney?" He asked the two doctors that were stood in front of him.

"Beth Green is what happend." Derek told him through gritted teeth.

Suddenly everything fell into place for the chief andhe knew right there and then that he would ever truly forgive himself.

A/N All comments and suggestions are welcomed hope you enjoyed it! :) and I apologized about the confusion.

SA xx


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three.

Disclaimer- See chapter one.

20 minutes later Addison was back from CT and Derek was looking at the results.

"Well?" Miranda Bailey asked, coming to stand beside him.

"Just a mild concussion." Derek replied.

"At least that's something, Callie says that her leg is broke but won't require surgery and I stopped her ribs of which two are broke. neck and back are fine. We're just waiting the bloods. The stab wound was to her right side, we're prepping an OR now." Miranda told him.

"Yeah I know. I want to see Beth Green and get the truth out of her." Derek replied.

"Oh hang on, Derek. That will make things worse." Miranda told him. Stepping in front of him.

"Worse? How can things be possibly any worse, Miranda?" Derek yelled back.

"Shep, I know your worried and I feel for you. I really do, but yelled at me isn't going to fix things." Miranda calmly told him.

"I know Miranda. I'm sorry." He apologised to her.

"I know, why don't you go and grab a coffee and I'll come and get you when we're finished and then you can sit with her, I know she'll want you there when she wakes up." Miranda told him and walked off to collect the blood results.

2 hours later.

Derek made his way to the room that his wife was going to be wheeled into in a matter of minutes.

Derek took the seat on the left hand side of Addison's bed and gently took her hand.

"Oh Addy, I just need you to wake up now, ok?" Derek told his beloved.

Addison groaned and squeezed her eyes at the harsh bright light.

"Der?" Addison choked out.

"Addy?" Derek jumped out of his seat and stroked her face.

"Oh my head hurts." Addison complained.

"I know, I know baby." Derek replied.

"What happened to beth?" Addison asked.

"I don't know, honey." Derek replied.

"Sorry guys to interrupt. I have the bloods back." Bailey told them.

"Ok, well what's going on?" Derek asked.

"Addison, your HGC levels are abnormal, it appears that you suffered a miscarriage. I'm so sorry Addison." Bailey told them gently.

"No, Mandy there must be a mistake, check again please just check. They're wrong. They're wrong! No! No no no no no. Derek you tell her she's wrong." Addison begged her husband.

Derek sat there with watery eyes, not believing what he had just heard.

"Can I see them?" He asked Bailey.

She handed them over without a word, Derek took one look at them and knew there was no mistake.

"Addy, sweetheart there's been no mistake." Derek told his wife gently.

"No I... I... I..C...can't..O..of...B...been." She told him, desperately.

"Honey, there's no mistake." Derek repeated, gently giving her a hug.

"NO!" Addison screamed at the top of her lungs, struggling against him, punching him in the chest repeatedly.

Miranda Bailey stood and quietly watched the couple in front of her grieving for the child. She let an exstemely rare tear roll down her cheek as she looked back at the sight one last time as she left the room, giving the grieving couple some pravisely.

A/N Here's chapter three, I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you to alterus and Addison-fan reviewing. I'm not too sure when the next chapter will be up, as I'm not sure where to take this next

SA xx


	4. 4

Hope

Chapter four.

2 months later.

Two months after the incident and everything had literally fallen apart, there was no light at the end of the tunnel as far as Addison Shepherd was concerned.

The events that took place just over two months ago shattered her world into a million pieces and she was struggling to put them pieces back together again, but she knew she had to do it. Not matter how many pieces there were or how long it would take her.

Every aspect of her life was affected, her marriage, her work, friends and family and even her personality, but especially with her husband. Whom she lashed out at the most. More times than she could count and all he was trying to do was help.

She didn't mean to, she really didn't. He was hurting too. Addison knew this, but her mind wouldn't comprehend this, wouldn't let her rational it. All that mattered was her pain, her anger, her bitterness, her self loathing, her guilt, her shame and her need for answers.

All because her brain wouldn't allow it.

She wanted, no she needed her life back.

They needed to talk about it, addison knew this. She needed to somehow move on from this otherwise it would destroy her from the inside outside.

It was late on a particularly cold December evening, when addison heard her husband's jeep pull up outside the trailer.

Addison was on the porch to greet him.

"Hey." she greeted, somewhat nervously.

"Hey, yourself. " Derek replied softly, surprised.

"Your home early, I wasn't expecting you to much later. " Addison told him.

"Yeah, I just wanted to come home. Derek replied.

Addison was surprised by his words, not that she disbelieved him or anything. But with her behaviour and attitude over the last few weeks, she was surprised he wanted to come home at all.

"We need to talk, Derek." Addison told him.

"Yeah, I know. " Derek replied, softly.

Silently, the couple made their way inside, after fixing some hot drinks for themselves they Sat down to have what was to be single handedly the hardest conversation they were ever going to have in the 15 years they'd known each other.

"I need to say a few things and I need you to know but I'm not strong enough to say these things out loud yet so I wrote it down, but I I know it's cowardly but it's all I have" Addison told her husband.

Gently Addison slid a piece of paper over the table.

My Little Angel

I felt your presence there inside of me,

nestled soft and warm;

Sweet scent of baby's breath,

precious words left unadorned.

I saw your tiny heartbeat,

then I knew that you were fine;

A perfect baby we created,

one that would be mine.

Then that tragic day it came

there was nothing I could do,

Only wait and hope

for the precious life of you.

Yes in the beginning

your daddy was afraid;

Only he would love you unconditional

and never run away.

He loved you more this I do know,

as he cried for you that day,

When the doctor said that you were gone,

daddy wanted you to stay.

He would have held you close to him,

and see your perfect form,

A gift of daddy's love,

would have kept you safe and warm.

Only now you are an angel over me

beautiful and bare,

My heart would hurt if you cried for me

and mommy was not there.

Still we are together in my heart and memories,

You are still a part of my memory.

Rest gentle now 'sweet baby' there is no pain

you are never alone,

I know you are with the guiding angels

in you peaceful home.

I will come with you someday

only now is not my time,

Then we will be together again

again you will be mine

Derek Shepherd was normally a man of stellar reputation and excellent communication skills, but Sat here reading what his wife had written, and baring her inner soul and displaying her vulnerable for the entire world to see, his entire world to see made him love her more if that was possible.

As a tear rolled down his cheek, there was no words that would bring them comfort or magically make it better. Nothing ever would, but maybe from this moment on they could try and move on.

A/N I don't know when the next chapter will be up as I'm struggling with this one. Hope you enjoyed it. Review

Elle


End file.
